Have you ever had a moment when someone said something that rubbed you the wrong way, only for them to quickly follow up with, "That’s not how I meant it"? It’s a phrase that can instantly shift the mood from confusion or hurt to a sense of unease. After all, if that’s not how they meant it, why did it come across that way? I have had these encounters at work, in friendships and at home. I have learned there are many important lessons about communication, understanding, and the value of staying calm.
When someone’s words hit you the wrong way, it’s easy to let emotions take over. Anger, hurt, and frustration can bubble up, making it hard to think clearly. But in that moment, staying calm is the first step. It’s not about bottling up our feelings but rather about taking a deep breath and choosing to respond rather than react. When we stay calm, we keep the door open for a constructive conversation instead of letting it slam shut with a heated argument.
Instead of jumping to conclusions, asking questions can help us understand what someone really meant. It's easy to misinterpret their tone or intention. By simply asking, “What did you mean by that?” or “Can you explain your point of view?” we give them a chance to clear things up. This not only helps avoid conflict but also brings us closer to understanding each other better.
Communication goes both ways. While it's important to understand the other person's side, it's just as important to share how their words made you feel. Saying something like, "I felt hurt when you said that," can start a more honest conversation. It's not about blaming them but about expressing your feelings. This helps the other person see how their words affected you and can lead to a more thoughtful and understanding exchange in the future.
We've all jumped to conclusions at some point. It's easy to assume someone is being rude or dismissive without knowing what's really going on. It’s important to pause before making assumptions. Sometimes, what seems like rudeness might just be someone having a bad day or dealing with their own problems. Giving people the benefit of the doubt can help prevent misunderstandings.
Clear communication is key to any good relationship, whether with friends, family, or colleagues. Misunderstandings often happen because of unclear or confusing language. It’s about picking our words carefully and making sure our message comes across the way it’s intended. I'm still working on this with my adult children (especially around giving advice), but I’ve seen how much it can improve interactions when I give more thought and attention to my words.
Meeting People Where They Are
One of the biggest takeaways from this whole experience is the realization that some people have rough edges. They may not always say things in the most tactful way, and their words might come off as harsh. While this doesn’t give them permission to be rude, it does mean that we need to meet people where they are. Instead of getting defensive, try to understand that their rough edges might be a reflection of their own challenges or insecurities.
That being said, understanding doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior. It’s about striking a balance—acknowledging that someone might not have meant to be rude while also standing up for ourselves when their words cross a line. It’s a delicate dance, but it’s one that’s necessary for maintaining healthy relationships.
Being on the receiving end of hurtful comments, even when someone says, "That’s not how I meant it," is tough. It can leave us with a pit in our stomach, a deep ache that doesn’t go away easily. When this happens repeatedly, it starts to eat away at one’s confidence and peace of mind. It’s like carrying a heavy weight that only gets heavier with time.
When I’m in that situation, I sometimes react in ways I’m not proud of—snapping or shutting down—because the angst just builds up inside. It’s not how I want to respond, but it feels like a natural reaction when things have piled up for too long. Staying calm and having clear communication is so important, even when it’s difficult.
There have been times when I’ve been on the opposite side and said something that someone took the wrong way, and it genuinely surprised me because I didn’t mean it like that at all. Not realizing how my words might have come across, bothers me because I’m not sarcastic by nature. My heart is in the right place, and when I know I’ve upset someone, I do feel bad.
How many of us have been known to go for the gusto though? Especially if emotions have been bottled-up then frustration tips over. It’s not the right way to handle things of course but in the the moment, I think many of us have been guilty at one time or another. I admit, I need to remind myself to stay calm in those situations and focus on the tactics below—like asking questions and expressing my feelings—so I don’t let my emotions get the best of me.
How to Clarify Misunderstandings
So, what’s the best way to handle these situations?
When faced with a misunderstanding, the first thing we can do is to take a deep breath and keep our cool. It’s easier to think clearly and respond thoughtfully when we’re not caught up in the heat of the moment.
Acknowledge the other person’s perspective. Saying something like, “I understand that’s not how you meant it,” shows that we’re willing to listen and understand their side of the story.
While it’s important to empathize, we need to share our own feelings as well. “But it hurt me when you said that” lets the other person know how their words affected us, which can lead to a more meaningful conversation.
If still unsure about their intentions, don’t hesitate to ask for clarification. “Can you explain what you meant?” is a simple yet powerful way to ensure that we’re on the same page.
Finally, offer a solution for future interactions. “Next time, can we communicate it differently?” encourages a more respectful and considerate exchange in the future.
Phrases to Watch Out For
There are certain phrases that often come up in these situations—phrases that can sometimes make things worse rather than better. Here are a few to watch out for:
“You took it the wrong way.” This can feel dismissive, as if the other person’s feelings don’t matter.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” While this might be true, it doesn’t address the impact of the words.
“You’re misunderstanding me.” This can come off as blaming the other person for the miscommunication.
“That’s not what I said.” This can feel like gaslighting, especially if the other person is sure of what they heard.
“You’re reading too much into it.” This can make the other person feel like their concerns are being trivialized.
Respectful Ways to Respond
When faced with these phrases, it’s important to respond in a way that’s both respectful and assertive. Here are a few examples:
“Can you explain what you meant because that came off pretty strong?” This invites clarification while acknowledging the intensity of the words.
“That didn’t sound supportive—what’s your perspective?” This encourages the other person to reflect on how their words were received.
“I think we’re missing each other’s points. Can we try to explain it again?” This enables teamwork in resolving the misunderstanding.
“That joke didn’t sit well with me. What did you mean by that?” This addresses the issue without accusing the other person of ill intent.
“I took that as criticism. What did you really mean?” This opens the door for the other person to clarify their intentions.
Misunderstandings are a normal part of interacting with others, but they don’t have to cause conflict or hurt feelings. By staying calm, asking questions, sharing your feelings, and not jumping to conclusions, you can turn these situations into chances for better understanding.
Caring for someone with rough edges, whether it's a friend, family member, or colleague, means accepting them as they are.
For a friend, it’s about seeing past their tough exterior and understanding their struggles, while offering patience and kindness to build a stronger bond.
With family, it’s about embracing their imperfections and supporting them through their challenges, showing that you care deeply despite their rough edges.
At work, it’s about respecting our colleague’s quirks and focusing on their strengths, even when their rough edges make teamwork difficult.
By offering support and understanding in each of these relationships, we help create deeper, more meaningful connections.
How we handle these moments shapes our relationships.