Creating Powerful Conversations

Powerful conversations strike a balance between talking and listening. 

Somewhere along the line, many of us seem to have lost that balance.

I was reading an article recently by Celeste Headlee, who shared 10 simple rules for bringing our conversations back into balance. 

After reading the article, I was more aware of conversations happening around me as well as my own and interestingly had a different view than I did prior to reading the article.

The 10 rules to consider:

Don’t Multitask

We need to do more than just turn off our phone.  We need to be present in that moment. We can’t be thinking about yesterday or what we’ll be doing tonight or what we should say next.

Either we fully listen to the person speaking or, we should leave the conversation all together.

Don’t Preach

Conversations aren’t one-way talks where we share opinions without hearing from others.  We should assume that we have something to learn during every encounter.  The best way to truly listen to someone is to set ourselves aside and listen as if they know something we do not.

Use Open Ended Questions

Start questions with:

Who

Why

What

When

Where

Or How

If we ask, “were you terrified?” we will receive a one-word answer.  If we ask, “what was that like?", we will get a thoughtful, meaningful answer.

How was your day? - instead - What's the best thing that happened today?

What do you do? - instead - What's exciting in your life right now?

Go With the Flow

There will be thoughts that pop into our heads, our job is to let them go.  There is no need to say everything that comes to mind, and we do not need to wait for “just the right time”.  Let thoughts come and go without judgment.

If You Don’t Know – Say It

This principle is straightforward.  Be very careful talking about things that you’re not an expert at.  It’s better to err on the side of caution.  Pretend it’ll be on the record and we'll be held accountable for our words. Don’t make things up.

This one I learned quite early on in my career.  Working at a law firm it was unequivocally not ok to pretend or guess at something.  Information had to be 100% accurate at all times.

Don’t Equate Experiences

If they talk about losing a loved one, don’t talk about when your loved one died.  If they’re discussing their problems, don’t discuss your own issues.  It’s not always about us, so avoid bringing the conversation back to yourself.

I have been guilty of this.  Not intentionally trying to make it about myself but rather in showing empathy and sharing that I do indeed understand.  Each situation is different however, I think in the moment, most people who are reaching out for a listening ear or shoulder really don’t care too much about our own experiences in that moment.

Don’t Repeat

Repetition is condescending and boring.  People usually do this when they have a point to make and they say it repeatedly. It’s not enjoyable for anyone.

I am guilty of this one as well.  I often find myself repeating in conversations.  My neurodiverse daughter repeats herself 10-20 times in a 10-minute span daily.  I also find myself needing to repeat instructions or just day to day requests with her.  As I live this practise day in and day out, I have found it has rolled over into neurotypical conversations that I have as well.  I try to catch myself however, sometimes, it really does feel so embedded that I wonder if I will ever be able to overcome the bad habit.

Stay Out of the Weeds

People don’t really care about the years, names, dates and times that we sometimes struggle to remember. They care about you, what you’re like, what you have in common and how you feel, not every minor detail.  Leave them out, the conversation will be much more enjoyable.

Listen

Listening is the number one skill we can learn.  But listening is hard.  We would rather talk.  Talking is easy, we’re in control and the centre of attention.  But if we’re not listening, then we’re not having a conversation.

It's always better to listen more than you speak.

Hearing and listening might sound the same, but they’re actually quite different. Hearing is simply the act of sound reaching your ears—it’s automatic and doesn’t require much thought. Listening, on the other hand, means paying attention and truly focusing on what someone is saying. It’s about understanding the message, not just letting the words pass by. When we listen, we show the other person that their thoughts and feelings matter, and we make an effort to connect with them. So, while hearing is passive, listening is active and involves real effort.

Interested

Be interested in others.  Keeping our mouths shut as often as we can and keeping our minds open as much as we can.  When we're talking with someone, be prepared to be amazed.  They may have something unique, strange or even fun to say; we just have to let them share it.

Fun Facts:

On average, women speak around 20,000 words a day, while men say about 7,000. This difference might be because of social or cultural reasons.

Only 7% of communication is through words. The rest comes from tone of voice (38%) and body language (55%), so how we say something is often more important than the words we use.

Most conversations last about 7 to 10 minutes, though they can feel shorter or longer depending on how interested you are.

In some cultures, interrupting shows you're excited and engaged, not necessarily rude.

Even though small talk can feel awkward, it helps people connect and build trust. It can also lead to deeper conversations.

A brief pause of 1-2 seconds between people speaking can make conversations smoother and show you're thinking about what the other person said.

Conversations have lots of interesting parts beyond just talking.  By listening carefully, paying attention to body language, and staying engaged, we can create conversations that build real connections and make a difference.