Judgment

Judging others is something everyone does, but it often costs us more than we realize. It’s easy to spot flaws and mistakes in others while ignoring our own. But if we pause to think about it, we might see that our judgments say more about us than the people we judge. Let's explore why we judge, how it impacts us, and how we can change our way of thinking to build more understanding and empathy.

We glance, we guess, we assume. Sometimes it’s subtle, like a raised eyebrow. Other times, it’s a full-blown internal monologue about how someone should be doing something differently. But here’s the thing -what we see in others is often more about us than it is about them.

Take this story, for instance:

“That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder,” said a young woman to her husband as she peered out the window. He said nothing.

Every time the neighbour hung her laundry out to dry, the woman made the same comments.

A month later, she was surprised to see a crisp, clean wash on the line and said, “Look! She’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”

Her husband replied calmly, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

And so it is… what we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.

Sometimes our judgment isn’t about others at all - it’s about the smudges on our own view.

We assume so much, don’t we? Especially when someone’s life looks tidy on the outside.

Like Jamie and Chris.

From the outside, they looked like that annoyingly perfect couple. Always smiling at gatherings. Posting cute date-night selfies. Matching sweaters at Christmas (yes, really). Friends would say, “They must have the best relationship.”

But what people didn’t see was what happened when the front door closed.

Jamie was walking on eggshells most days. Not because Chris was awful, but because life was complicated. Chris had been quietly struggling with anxiety and depression for years - something very few people knew. The smiles? Often forced. The date nights? Carefully planned distractions. The matching sweaters? Honestly, a last-ditch effort to feel connected again.

They were trying. Really trying. But it was messy. Emotional. Quietly exhausting.

Then one day, a friend made a comment - lighthearted, but sharp: “Must be nice having everything so together.”

Jamie smiled politely, but inside, it stung. Because it wasn’t together. And it never really had been.

Later that night, Jamie thought, People have no clue. They see a snapshot and assume they know the whole story.

And that’s the thing - we all do that. We see people laughing at a party, holding hands at the farmer’s market, posting filtered vacation photos, and we fill in the blanks. We assume ease, happiness, simplicity.

But most of us are carrying something invisible. Struggles that aren’t broadcast. Fights that happened before the selfie. Pain that’s tucked behind a practiced smile.

So maybe next time we’re tempted to judge, assume, or envy - we can just pause. Because behind every closed door is a story we haven’t read.

And it might be nothing like the one we made up.

Another example?

Let’s zoom into a workplace this time.

Two colleagues, Ada and Beth, both started new jobs at the same company. Ada noticed that Beth often took longer to complete her tasks and seemed to miss important details in meetings. Internally, Ada thought, She must not be very good at her job. Maybe she doesn't have the right experience.

Weeks passed, and Ada continued to silently critique Beth’s performance, convinced that she wasn’t cut out for the role. Then one day, their manager invited Ada to shadow Beth on a project.

What Ada discovered surprised her.

Beth was juggling an impossible load - caring for a sick family member, managing a chaotic household, and still trying to meet her deadlines. She wasn’t unskilled. She was overwhelmed.

Later that day, Ada admitted to herself, I had no idea what she was dealing with. I judged her without understanding her situation.

And there it is again.

We jump to conclusions based on what we see, through our lens, with our expectations.

But truthfully?

We often judge others without knowing the full story behind their actions.

Don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires. 

“Judging a person does not define who they are.  It defines who you are.”

The Impact

When we judge others, we're really putting our own opinions and feelings onto them. This can hurt both the person we're judging and ourselves.

Here's how:

Just like dirty windows can block our view, our judgments can hide the real truth about people and situations. If we focus too much on flaws, we might miss the bigger picture.

Always judging others can make us more negative and less understanding. This negativity can hurt our relationships and our overall happiness.

The very things we criticize in others often point to our own problems. For example, if someone is quick to judge others for their looks, it might be because they have their own issues with self-image.

Seeing One Good (or Bad) Thing

The Halo Effect happens when we notice one good thing about someone and then assume everything else about them is good, too. For example, if someone is really friendly, we might think they are also hard-working, kind, and trustworthy, even though we don’t know for sure. On the other hand, if we notice one bad trait, like being late, we might unfairly label them as unreliable or lazy. This kind of thinking can lead us to make snap judgments about people without really knowing them. It’s important to remember that people are a mix of strengths and weaknesses, just like us.

Seeing What We Want to See

Confirmation Bias is when we only notice the things that support what we already believe and ignore the rest. For example, if we think someone is lazy, we’ll focus on times when they didn’t work hard and ignore when they did. This makes it hard to change our minds, even when the truth is different from what we first thought. Being aware of this bias helps us stay open-minded and reconsider our views when new information comes our way. It’s a reminder to listen more carefully and not jump to conclusions.

What Others Feel

Mirror Neurons are brain cells that help us understand what others are going through by reacting to their actions as if we were doing them ourselves. When we see someone smile, these neurons make us feel like smiling, too. They help us feel empathy and understand how our actions and judgments affect others. Knowing this can make us more aware of how people feel when we judge them, encouraging us to be kinder and more understanding. After all, we wouldn’t want to be unfairly judged ourselves.

I used to think I knew exactly what people were thinking. But I was usually wrong! Most people are too busy worrying about what others think of them to spend much time judging us.

I used to also judge people right away based on little things. But over time, I learned that first impressions aren’t always right. Now, I try to really get to know people before forming an opinion.

The things I judged in others were often things I didn’t like about myself. When I started accepting my own flaws, I judged others less. It’s funny how judgment works like a mirror, reflecting back on us.

If I catch myself going down that road, I try to turn every judgmental thought into something positive. Instead of thinking, “Why is she wearing that?” I now say, “Good for her for being bold!” Being kind to others helps me feel better about myself, too.

I once heard someone say people are like icebergs – we only see a small part of who they are. So, I remind myself there’s a lot I don’t know about their story.

I’ve learned to be curious. If someone acts in a way that seems strange, I now ask myself, “What’s their story?” It helps me see things differently and makes life more interesting.

How can we stop judging others and start being more understanding and caring?

Here are some ideas:

Before judging, think about why you feel that way. Are your judgments based on your own insecurities or biases?

Try to understand what the other person might be going through. Consider their life experiences and challenges to see things from their perspective.

Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without reacting right away. This can help you respond to others more thoughtfully.

Everyone has their own struggles and flaws. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, try to understand and appreciate the person as a whole.

Be open to changing your views when you learn new things. This helps you see others more fairly.

We often judge others because we feel uncomfortable or unhappy with ourselves. It’s easier to notice someone else’s flaws than to face our own. But if we look past our judgments and try to be more understanding, we can build better relationships and feel better about ourselves too.

The saying, “Judging someone doesn’t define them, it defines you.” Our judgments show what’s going on inside us.

So, the next time we find ourselves quick to judge, we need to take a step back, clean our own windows so to speak to see the world - and the people in it - with fresh eyes.